Thursday, April 21, 2011

Some helpful pet advice everyone should know...

How to Give a Cat a Pill
(how to give dog one is at the bottom)


1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
     arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

     Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 3.   Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

 Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
     hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

7.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail.


Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtins.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
     head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.   Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

10.   Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.


 Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck,  to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard,

11.  Fetch screw driver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.


Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.

12.   Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the  tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little  *&/*%'s  front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bid tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.  


14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15.  Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.

3.  All done!


Randy-g said...

It all makes perfect sense to me...My sister in law now has a cat though. Heh.

Zilla said...

I have had cats all my life, the above instructional is pretty much how it goes with the exception of ONE cat who used to just take the damned things. She was special though. One of a kind. I love the pictures you put up with this. I've seen variations of it in emails before, but yours is the best.

Subvet said...

ROFLMAO. So true.

Matt said...

You know, you could probably use the bacon trick on me.

Mmmmm, BAAACON...


Mark D. said...

More evidence of the inherent socibility of Dogs, as posed to the irrascibility of cats!

Stogie said...

Hilarious! And so true.

My vet told me to pop the pill in the cat's mouth, hold it closed while rubbing a wetted thumb over the cat's nose. The wet on his nose will make him involuntarily lick his nose, which also causes him to swallow the pill.

It works about 2 times out of 3.

Always On Watch said...


Cats rule.

I've found that coating the pill with butter works quite well -- provided I can corner the cat to give the pill in the first place.

Anonymous said...

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Thank you.